The Next Chapter

Yesterday was the first time in quite a while that I had the inspiration to write..outside of a short blog commenting on the loss of a young father Joe Jantke who’s wit and grace was an inspiration to follow and read each week......until the cancer won.

A lot has happened in that time.

We have moved out of our grand old home which I had lived for over 10 years..and my wife twice as long..and our youngest has fled the nest. My wife and I have moved into a new home that is less than half the size of our previous one and the purge we did before moving barely made a dent..much to our surprise..as we have been overwhelmed trying to navigate boxes and piles..all the while, trying to create a new life...in this new house.

We had the luxury of space in our last home...something that is much harder to covet here.

As I write this, I realize how ridiculous I sound.. These first world problems of ours..or more correctly..”MINE”.

The point of all of this self pity has to do with the dance that happens when stress, Trauma and Complex PTSD collide.

All of which has been exacerbated over the last 6 months, or more.

My family has been kind..and I have been proud of myself..and my reactions to so much stress and change.

After trauma, we survivors thrive with routine..the gift of knowing what to expect makes our lives predictable and acts as a safety blanket of sorts as we venture off into the day...at least, that’s how it is for me.

Change..and exposure to change is a critical part of healing from PTSD.. and I have been bathed in exposure for the last (almost) six months now.

As hard as it has been at times..it has been a blessing more than a burden...at least that’s what I tell myself.

It has forced me out my my comfort zone..shown me that I am more resilient than I thought..and at it’s most basic..I didn’t die..even tho that was my overly dramatic belief..more than once.

Good or bad...PTSD becomes your barometer as you navigate life.

Just when you think you are further along in your recovery..PTSD shows up and reminds you where you truly are...it acts as a sober reminder to the truth of who you still are..opposed to how much you think you might have changed..

For me..when things get stressful, I STILL flail fighting for some sense of control of my surroundings...I look for something that I can control..especially, when I am feeling powerless to control what’s going on around me.

My belief in myself and my abilities becomes more fragile...I get hyper-focused on the most ridiculous things.

I have recently turned 59.

Which is not old..at least, AGAIN....that’s what I tell myself.

There ARE moments when I don’t recognize the face of the person staring back at me in the mirror.

Everything just seems harder...

I never expected to live this long..

My wife shakes her head whenever I say that in response to where I am with most things..at this stage in my life.

That’s an impossible thing for those who haven’t experienced such trauma..or have PTSD to wrap their heads around..

The inability to plan for the future..or maybe I should say “reluctance”..

When you’re just trying to survive the day, week or month..it is almost impossible to see what your life might be like..years in the future...it has been burned into our psyche that you can’t count on anything..

Living moment to moment is a much safer endeavor.

The truth is.. I am getting older and what is hardest to accept is the possibility I won’t be able to protect myself.

I have spent years going to the gym, lifting heavy weights and being proud of the size and stature that I’ve built.

It has helped me feel safe.

It has helped me survive medical emergencies that were a direct result of my past trauma(s). And it has helped me in trying to tame the monster that is Complex PTSD.

But as I age I feel my body changing and rebelling from the pain and strain of it all… and that is..scary.

I am also struggling with letting go of “stuff”..something necessary as space in our new little house is a valuable commodity...

I become frozen with indecision as everything holds meaning..and letting go of “things” equates to having to give up on an existing life and start over again..something I have had to do too many times in the past.

Again..I sound ridiculous..

And that is at the core of Complex PTSD.

Depending on your trauma, triggers can be anything..and it’s usually the most benign thing can have the biggest effect on your emotional response.

I’ve come to the conclusion that courage and desperation are two sides of the same coin. The deciding factor in which side we might choose comes down to circumstance.

Having courage and being courageous are two things I am still navigating in this next chapter of our new life in our new little house..I’ll let you know how things go...