It’s a Fine Line

The line between courage and desperation is razor thin.

The deciding factor in which term we might relate to often comes down to circumstance.

When we are faced with a life changing illness, for example.. I’m not sure we even have a choice to be courageous.. I know...in my personal experience...I just fumbled forward in the dark.... searching for light.

I also believe there is a difference between having courage and being courageous.

Again I think it depends on circumstance and if you even have have a choice in the matter.

I realize I am arguing semantics here..but I do have a point.

I find myself in unfamiliar territory..

I am still trudging my way through healing and I have hit a wall of sorts..

For me.. in my past traumas, I was amazing at shutting down my emotions in order to deal with whatever was in front of me at any given time...so much so that I am now unable to allow the normal ebb and flow of emotions.

This has caused issues.

I should clarify.. I experience and show love and happiness...but I temper the hard ones.

Sadness and vulnerability are the two I wrestle with the most...although I have allowed learned helplessness to set up residency in my house of emotions..

I have a lid on the hard emotions because I am worried and feel unable to regulate them.

I find myself tempering emotions so much so... that I sit in resentment and frustration..feeling like there is nothing I can do to change my present or future...again learned helplessness...and I don’t know why..or how to change things.

I’ve read the books..watched the videos and yet..here I sit neutered in my ability..or self belief of autonomy over my own existence....

Something that was NEVER in question before..

I am also terrified to take things on..in fear that I will inevitably..fuck things up as I have sooo many times..in my past.

Before therapy..I was blissfully unaware of my limitations..or shortcomings..I was able to fake it, until I made it..to quote Brene Brown.

Now I understand the correlation of the Adaptive Self vs the True Self..but I find myself unable to break free from the residual handcuffs that Learned Helplessness and the loss of self that comes with Complex PTSD.

This “shell” of ones self..is a hard place to live.

It is even harder on those closest to us..as they mourn the person they knew..and have to show love and compassion (constantly) to this person that resembles the old one..but who can be incapable of seeing what everyone else can see..

The revolving door of guilt, shame and regret..wears on everyone..eventually.

Getting back to my point..

I have courage.

I have been courageous..

I am still trying to find myself..

And I am getting weary of searching...