Healing And Loss

The last few days have been incredibly hard.

We had to put down our dog Oz.

Oz was 15 and he had cancer..as would be expected in a 15 year old dog.

We were told he might have 2..maybe 3 months depending on how things go.

You would never have known Oz was sick. Was he slower moving around ? Yes...he had normal issues any dog of his age might have..Oz was a 20 pound dog with a 2000 pound personality.

He was ALWAYS happy..and not to brag too much..those who met him..fell in love with him almost instantly.

Oz was definitely my wife’s dog.

He stuck to her whenever she was home..I was a close second..at least that’s what I tell myself.

He started to fail Friday afternoon and we had to let him go the following day..

This was the HARDEST thing I’ve had to deal with..PTSD included.

My wife and I are mourning the loss of our 5th child..the most spoiled of course..and this puts me in a place I NEVER thought I would be..

The downside of healing from trauma and Complex PTSD is feeling again.

The death of our little 20 pound dog has hit me harder than the sudden loss of my own Mother..which I don’t even understand.

I am wrestling with a depth of loss and sadness that I can’t put into words.

I have been swearing at the universe for starting this healing process 3 years ago and the timing of losing our dog when I am unable to protect myself from feeling..as I once did.

Feeling anger or rage are easy emotions to deal with..sadness and loss are infinitely harder..and I am struggling to find the good in this....

Oz has been a part of every holiday..birthday and celebration over the last 10 years with me...and the 5 before I showed up.. he even walked my wife down the aisle at our wedding.

The depth of loss in his absence is at times..too much to bare..for the both of us.

I know I am being selfish in wanting things as they were..

But seeing my wife struggle (as I do) makes this doubly hard.

I’m sure this will teach me coping techniques..as well as exposure therapy..and in the end I will be better at managing my newly returned full range of emotions..but for now..it sucks.

I’m sure my wife and I will rebuild a life without our little walking ball of sunshine..but for right now all we see is a home that is left hollow without Oz in it..

Opening ourselves up again after trauma..means we open ourselves up to ALL the feelings..and in doing that..hopefully we return to who we once were..before trauma..

Here’s hoping..for you Oz ...