Growth, Change & PTSD

There was a time when change was a constant companion.

Each day, each week was a crap shoot of sorts...Change was ever constant and I was adept at adjusting my expectations and the idea of what my life might look like. I was much more resilient and much less rigid about..well....everything.

Looking back now..with hindsight and life experience..I can see that I was raised in a life surrounded by addiction, violence and the people whom I loved the most in this world..were also survivors of their own traumas.

Multi generational trauma..and all the trappings of people just trying to have a better life as adults..then they experienced as children...

Fast forward and with trauma and PTSD running the show..change..of ANY sort was seen as dangerous or the result of me failing (again)..in some preventable way.

After years of working on myself..with the invaluable help of family..friends and of course trained professionals..I see change as something necessary..and certainly NOT any result of a failure on my part.

With PTSD...routine brings stability and the illusion of safety..

It makes life livable...and survivable.

Now...I recognize that a life without change or growth....is no life at all..

Eventually..we heal enough to see that.

When you feel everything all the time..it can make life feel impossible.

At this point in my life, I search for meaning and direction..with the hopes of living a life that is free from my past..regret..and MOST of all...shame.

Shame of the years wasted because I was unable to see that most of the horrible things that happened to me..were NEVER my fault in the first place...

These days I am restless...I am trying to build a new life..one built on the foundations of the the last few years of self discovery..and (hopefully) one that honors the sacrifices made by my family..as I navigated this healing juggernaut that is Complex PTSD.

I would not be where I am today, without the understanding....patience and forgiveness of those closest to me..as they faced the tsunami that comes with trying to heal from trauma...head on.

I want to go back to the beginning..and build a foundation built on all the things that mean the most to me..all the “good” parts of my past..and who I was then.

Maybe...I am asking for too much....but I’ve also been through too much...so I think it’s worth shooting my shot...

Here’s to growth and change...