Equilibrium Part 2

There was a fracture that happened at some point in my life.

I am not quite sure when..

I was outgoing..optimistic and annoyingly positive.

I was steadfast in my belief that everything would work itself out..as I navigated life.

I’m not sure if my carefree attitude was based in the core of who I was...or if it had more to do with the immaturity of youth...either way, life was better and I was happier.

At some point..I had experienced enough trauma..Complex PTSD took over as my primary modus-operandi..and I lost my equilibrium...

Fast forward to today..and I have come a long way..

Years of therapy and support from my family have helped bring me back to the beginning..or at least their grace has helped remove the trauma filters..for the most part.

My wife often ends our correspondences with the phrase..”Find the good”.

That is a lovely mantra..or way to live a life...but it is never easy...not impossible..but never easy.

Recognizing the good is hard when life has spent the majority of it’s time..showing you the opposite.

Despite my predisposition to be negative..(or cautious)..it has dawned on me..that my cautious approach hasn’t worked out as well as I thought it would..

It hasn’t stopped bad things from happening...

If anything..it has made me even more upset when things go sideways..so what have I actually gained ?

There was a time when I believed..if you were a good person..good things would happen..

I don’t believe that necessarily these days..

Not in any jaded way..but unfortunately..life is just not that simple.

In opening up myself..I have certainly opened myself up to pain and discomfort..

But I have also opened myself up to experience a depth of love and beauty..that can only be reflected in what I see when I catch a glimpse of my wife from a distance..after all this time..she still takes my breath away.

As I continue to heal and grow..I experience life differently than before..

I am beginning to recognize and believe in myself again.

I need to remind myself that optimism is available...and is a choice.

And as I try to find my equilibrium..I fight to find the good as well.

So now I am trying to go back to the beginning.

Back before life took it’s toll..

I am trying to surround myself with the things and people that make me happiest.

A return to a simpler life.

One free of fear of what MIGHT happen...and instead..one full excitement as to what CAN...