Between Resiliency and Worthiness

I've written before about resiliency.

Resiliency is this dichotomy of something that lives somewhere between survival and stubbornness.

Some would even use the phrase.. SISU.

If you have never heard of that Finnish term..look it up..it's pretty awesome.

I don't know about your experience, but my experience with Resiliency has come full circle.

When we experience trauma, we (usually) don't truly have a choice in being resilient.

There really isn't one...Other than maybe..surrender.

In my case, I became adept at being resilient. Not be cause I wanted to.. but rather because I HAD to be.

And at some point I lost that resilience.

I was more than just burnt out with trying to pick myself up again....I was utterly exhausted and unable to.... after decades of trauma.

It was replaced with self doubt and fear.

After an incredible amount of work on my part and twice as much understanding and forgiveness from those closest to me.... I have found Resilience again.

It looks like Worthiness had been hiding it from me..

As those of us who have experienced trauma and PTSD know better than most...Worthiness..more importantly..our perception of OUR OWN Worthiness..is the Godzilla of self sabotage.

It really is a monster.

It's taken quite a while, but I feel like I've reclaimed this idea of me being worthy of well....anything that is good.

And that is saying something.

I realize I have been gone for a while.

There has been a lot going on.

Soooo many changes..

We have sold our home and purchased a new one...as well as a new job with a company I started my career in..over 30 years ago.

Letting go of the past and trying my best to embrace an incredibly scary future.

Not an easy thing to do while also trying to heal from Trauma and Complex PTSD.

Just ask those who have to live with a 230 lb- over 6 foot tall 59 year old grumpy bear..with the emotional stability of a 14 year old girl.

I have gone through it 3 times with my own girls.....jeez I feel sorry for my family !!

I do deal with fear these days.

I find myself unable to make plans easily.

Afraid of making plans, only to have my feet kicked out from under me..

Close your eyes..

WAIT ! you won't be able to read what I'm about to describe..

Picture the original Karate Kid movie..second final Karate tournament

The uber bad sensei yells to his student "SWEEP THE LEG" !!

That exact scenario has happened to me multiple times in my life.

Minus the Karate and me fighting Ralph Macchio that is..but you get the idea.

My old tricks don't seem to work anymore.

My therapist says that's a good sign.

It means I'm moving forward and letting go of the broken me.

I am uneasy and unsure.

I am constantly searching for something familiar.

Something I can lean on.

I am also trying to heal.

Healing is described as "The process of becoming well again, after an illness or injury".

For those of you that belong in this "Broken Club".....you understand.

So..these days.. I live somewhere between Resiliency and Worthiness.

I also live in Gratitude.

And THAT my friends...is the best place of all....